‘Xed’-mas List

With Christmas just around the corner, I can already see last minute shoppers. And with last minute shoppers, come last minute gifts a.k.a. gifts-that-took-me-no-more-than-3-minutes-to-pick-out-for-you.

I have prepared a list of gifts that one should avoid during last minute shopping. This list shall serve as a guide to shoppers to spare their victims, er, gift recipients from the agony of smiling and lying that the gift they just received is the best thing in the whole wide universe.

Underwear. One can never have too many undergarments. But once you give someone the same pair for the 3rd time around, then we all know that you really haven’t put any thought into the whole gift giving business.

Socks. I’m not complaining about socks, since socks are a good thing. Like underwear, one can not have too many socks. But consider this, if you give your friend a pair of socks for the nth time this year (meaning, you gave him a pair on his birthday, during Easter and on some other occasion), then you might seriously reconsider not giving him another pair.

Soap. Unless your soap bar comes from outer space and has been used by Neil Armstrong, I highly doubt that anybody would be elated to receive a bar of soap from you.

Shampoo. Bottled shampoo is okay, especially if it is exotic and has a weird name. But if the shampoo comes in sachets and still has a price tag on it, it only means one thing: ‘You stink, you need a bath. Now.’

Sanitary Napkins. Yes, I have received these wondrous liquid catching contraptions on several occasions. No, I do not complain when I get these, since after all they are really handy when that time of the month comes. But giving these things to somebody of the opposite sex (who obviously has no idea what to make of these) is something I do not recommend – therefore, check if you got the names right on the gift boxes.

Self-help books. Unless the book magically improves one’s life right after reading, I highly doubt self-help books are an entertaining read (unless of course, self-help books have become action-adventure books with magic wand wielding boys). It’s Christmas, everybody is getting fatter and loading up on those calories, the last thing one wants to read is how being overweight is another ‘burden’ in one’s life that needs to be fixed right now.

So there you have it, gifts that are highly useful yet as dull as an unsharpened pencil (duh). Yet if you still receive gifts like these, don’t be bothered. Sure, they aren’t as supercalifragilisticexpialidocious as you wanted them to be, but it’s the thought that counts – it’s Christmas after all.

Here’s my secret that gets me through every Christmas when I receive these gifts, I think of one thing and all will be merry: Johnny Depp in a Santa suit – need I say more?

Postponed

It’s amazing how fast things can change in a matter of minutes. One moment the sun was shining and everything’s hunky-dory, and the next thing you know it’s already pouring cats and dogs (and other animals if you wish).

At one moment of our short-lived vacation, we imagined ourselves at home (or at the beach), away from school, enjoying our free time and not worry about exams, projects or assignments, while Heads of States would tackle more serious matters on political, social and economic development.

Yet all our musings (as well as the planned meetings) went down the proverbial drain as soon as tropical storm Seniang made itself known to the world.

So it’s back to reality for all of us.

This means, it’s back to school, back to work and back to our daily activities.

Oh well, the thought of having a break from school was fun while it lasted. Now, instead of finding ourselves on a deserted island far from civilization, we find ourselves behind our textbooks and computers once again, in that same old, stuffy classroom or workplace.

It’s hard to imagine, that the once bustling Cebu International Convention Center (CICC), which was bustling with life with foreign and local media, will now lay dormant and shall now wait for its reawakening this January.

It’s quite unfortunate that the 12^th Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) Summit has been postponed – not that because we are all looking forward to that much needed 4-day break – but because of all the preparations that have been made.

The labor force who worked tirelessly day and night for the completion of the CICC, are now probably eating their hardhats after the news passed of the postponement of the summit. Personally, these people should also be recognized and commended for a job well-done for building a convention center in a matter of months (which is quite a difficult feat).

The Christmas décor, which are scattered all throughout the cities of Mandaue, Lapu-lapu and Cebu, now has to be replaced by new décor come this January – unless of course we’ll celebrate Christmas in January, which is fine by me (it gives me more time to do my Christmas shopping).

It’s quite sad really, since everybody has been preparing for the summit for months and now we all have to wait for next year for the summit to resume. But then again, there is really nothing much we can do, after all, we are talking of a natural phenomenon here which has caused the postponement of the summit.

Now is probably the best time to be blessed with godly powers and do the most logical thing with them (aside from wishing for world peace): have the summit this week and postpone the storm until further notice.

Flying guide

After 10 years of safely staying grounded (literally and figuratively), I finally was able to take the skies once more. And to say that I was petrified would have been the understatement of the year.

Sure, I am accustomed to flying. I did that as a kid, flying from one time zone to another and sitting for 16 hours straight. But like I said, I did that as a kid and my last flight was 10 years ago.

Now that I’m old enough to understand that I’m sitting within a hunk of metal with wings, and dangling my life literally thousands of feet above the ground, flying does not sound appealing at all.

Knowing the escape exits is not enough. I’m squeezed in a hotdog like contraption with about another hundred people in it. If the plane crashes, I highly doubt knowing where the emergency exits are will help since everybody would just be screaming and running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

I know how to blow up my life vest. The ugly yellow/orange jacket can easily be blown up by just pulling a string or blowing it up by oneself (though, in times of emergency, I don’t think any person would blow the vest up by themselves, since they’d waste their breath on screaming).

One barf bag (a.k.a. motion sickness bag) is not enough these days. As a kid, I used to throw up frequently while riding a plane (or any moving vehicle for that matter). They should provide more barf bags to those who have weak stomachs. If the first bag is full, I do not want to be the stewardess who has to clean up the mess that the supposedly second barf bag should contain.

Flight personnel discuss about emergency landings and what to do. Each seat comes with a manual of the dos and don’ts during emergencies. I find these nice and all but after riding these flying monster contraptions almost half of my life, I know what to do during emergency by heart.

Sure, knowing what to do during emergencies is nice and all – since it does after all safe your life, but seriously, airplanes must come with a panic manual.

Listen, I sit for 50 minutes straight in a tiny metal contraption. I entrust my life in this huge piece of machinery that can malfunction any minute and drop out of the sky in seconds. After 10 years of no flying, I am paranoid as hell.

Instead of giving me a mindless magazine of ‘what’s hot and what’s not’, I’d rather page through a ‘How to not panic guide for idiots’, I’m sure there’s something in there that talks about turbulence and how to not die of a heart attack – page 58 perhaps, next to ‘What to do when your pilot accidentally flies into a tornado’.