Piglet, what are you?

Why do we have to bother ourselves with questioning a cartoon character’s sexuality? Will it change the world if we finally figure out that Piglet, Pooh Bear’s tiny sidekick, is actually female rather than male (or male rather than female)?

Yes, I can see it now. World hunger will suddenly disappear once Piglet comes out of his (or her) closet. Poverty will indeed be history as the pink pig announces his/her sex.

“I am a girl/boy!” shall be on the front page of various national broadsheets. Corrupt officials will be so surprised by the revelation that they will forget their corrupt ways and admire Piglet forever.

Nations will be so stunned that their economy somehow booms overnight. It shall be called the ‘Piglet-hype’, and Piglet paraphernalia would be the most bought items on the market.

Before we know it, the color pink shall become a world wide color. People will no longer get a tan, but instead will be completely pink. 'Pink in a can' will be global hit and tanning saloons will be out of business unless they start calling themselves 'Pinking saloons.'

Flags of all nations shall have hints of pink in all of them. People who detest any shade of pink shall be condemned. People will literally start wearing rose colored glasses and while they're at it, wear pink contact lenses.

Soon thereafter, people will be healthier. They will not eat pig (or god forbid, piglets), in fear of offending Piglet. Man will eat organic food and be in total zen mode. “One with nature,” shall be our battle cry! Oh, and let’s not forget the honey, as to not forget poor little Pooh (and while we are at it, we might as well give the poor bear a pair of pants. He must feel cold down there.)

A “save the piglet” movement will soon follow, and anybody caught eating pig shall be subjected to medieval punishment. Cows and chicken in turn, will be extinct after several years and we will then join herds and eat grass.

Of course, all of this is just imagined. As much as I want poverty to be history, a piglet cannot do that overnight. Nor can a tiny pig stop world hunger – unless it offers itself for mass consumption. And if it is not yet to clear to some dense people, Piglet is a two-dimensional drawing – it's not alive.

Are we really that bored with our lives that we try to figure out a cartoon character's gender rather than doing something productive? Would it hurt to actually lift a finger and do something other than figuring out a pig's sexuality or a sea sponge's gender preference. Life can't be really that boring, can it?

Now, if you are really that bored, you can make yourself useful by going to Bikini Bottom and ask Spongebob if he has the cure for the common colds instead of asking him if he's gay. That's the least you can do.