Stalked

If stalking were legal and not psychologically disturbing, I’d happily stalk Johnny Depp. Not to mention, if I had enough money to spend on plane tickets, bus and taxi fare, food and camouflage clothes, I’d easily pitch a tent in front of his house and gawk at his royal Deppness.

But in reality, I live on the other side of the globe, thousands of miles away from this wonderful eye candy. Plus, I do not have the time and more importantly, the money, to fly over to America (or wherever Depp is) and follow him around – if I did, I’d just prove one thing: I have no life (and I need a psychologist).

It amazes to what extent stalkers will go just to get a piece of their object of obsession. It just seems so wrong (not to mention psychologically disturbing) when stalkers begin to steal personal items of their so called victims.

Seriously, why on earth do you steal used chewing gum, underwear, or a pregnancy test?! Cloning quickly comes to mind, but that procedure is just too expensive and cloning human beings is just a big no-no.

What ever happened to the normal lock of hair, hairbrush or t-shirt stealing? I’m sure building creepy shrines in your clothes cabinet dedicated to your stars is still popular somewhere on the globe.

Stalkers need a life – and a shrink. I do not see the point of tailing somebody who is richer than you, prettier than you, more popular than you and not to mention, won’t even give you a chance in the dating pool. And let’s not forget that these are filthy rich people, they can send the police after you and have your ass. I mean, doesn’t that hurt your self-esteem? That or you are just a total masochist.

I’m no stalker material. Given the chance to stalk (is that even possible?) I obviously lack the resources and I do not have the patience to follow Johnny Depp around and watch what he is eating. And besides, I am not yet that screwed up in the head anyway.

Stalkers should give it a rest. Come to think of it, that was so last century. Ogling people you’ll never meet, talk to or socialize with is rather pathetic. Use your stalking skills for something more productive, like working for the FBI or something. I’m sure your lurking skills will be useful for something like that.

Get a hobby. Play American football, I think you can lurk around and then pounce your opponent at the most unexpected time. For Pete’s sake, do that than stalking some poor person and getting on their nerves.

And one more thing that every stalker (or that person who follows you around and does not call himself a stalker but just a ‘friend’) should know and get into their psychologically damaged heads: get a life.